Reviews: Your Product Is the Equivalent of Human Excrement

Years ago when I first stumbled onto the internet (CHMOD Unix version), there were no reviews that I was aware of and certainly I wasn’t expected to write about a product I purchased through an internet connection. That wasn’t surprising, considering there weren’t any internet sales yet. That all came later.

First time I noticed a need to review a product I purchased was on eBay when I received a whiny email from the person from whom I’d bought some inconsequential item. Dude wanted feedback. I’d never heard of feedback, not in this particular context. Nonetheless, I provided the requisite positive note, no more than five or six words, seeing that what the seller sold to me was what he said it was and it arrived without being smashed.

Ah, for the old days. Well, feedback on eBay still isn’t too onerous (other than the gold stars for description, shipping, wet kisses (or the promise of such) that eBay wants us to give for each thing we buy or sell. However, now I receive pleading notes from vendors, stores, corporations, politicians, distant relatives and ex-wives wanting me to rate their services in each of fourteen categories all of which require at least fifty words.

Is Amazon the worst? Probably, I seldom rate anything for Amazon nor do I put much weight on the reviews of other possible purchasers of a product (other than the Rogaine (TM) that Jeff Bezos recommends which must be horrible stuff, something that couldn’t raise a shout with a large hammer). Recently I discovered that Amazon punishes vendors who don’t get enough ratings on their products.

OK, why the fuck should I spend my time writing about, for example, a fucking two dollar pen refill? If said refill isn’t the most miserable piece of shit I ever wasted two bucks on, surely I don’t want to write about it when I could be writing about something useful, say Burnie Sander’s nifty hairdo or Hillary Clinton’s invisible ethic cream.

So, to truncate this blather, here’s your review. We’ll divide it into bad news and good news. First, your product is synonymous with human excrement, particularly if you send every poor sucker who buys your shit a begging email wanting feedback. That’s the bad news. The good news is that Jeff Bezos rolls the reviews into little balls then eats them, one by one.

Maybe I’ll start writing more reviews.

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