Be Afraid, America

Be afraid, America, for behind every bush, light pole, corner, or in every shadow lurks a (Democrat, Republican, Liberal, Conservative, the foam-flecked lips of a gun nut, the lily-livered lips of a gun hater). You get the idea. Pick one, go after ’em or (in the case of lily-liver lipped liberals who like alliteration) run from them, heart pounding, as you poke 9-1-1 on your Apple I-Phone or your I-Pad or, for all I know, your Kotex pad if it’s that time of month.

Have we always been a nation of fearful haters?

Possibly. After all, the Puritans cowered together praying for their fierce and vengeful God to protect them and smite their enemies. Patriots warned that the red-coated slimy limeys were gonna take your musket. Abolitionists warned that the African-Americans would revolt and God (yeah, the fierce and vengeful One…) would fuck with us all for having been evil.


I suppose this fear has always been the center of attention. Otherwise, religion and government might not have much to rail against.

War. War in Korea (well, a United Nations mandated police action) to keep the commies f’um taking over. War in Vietnam for much the same reason. War in Iraq to keep Saddam Hussein from bombing us with those weapons of mass deception destruction. War in Afghanistan to keep the Saudi Arabians from sending money to the crazies who want to kill us all. War in Iraq (war redux) to get the good feeling back that we had when Stormin’ Normin kicked the shit out of the Iraq army in 4 hours, 13 minutes and 12 seconds with our only casualty a mess hall full of GIs whacked by a Patriot missile whose guidance system detected a liberal inside that tent.

Maybe Donald Trump will save us.

Maybe Donald Trump will ponder to our fears.

We have much to fear if The Donald gets nominated.

For that matter, we have much to fear if Hillary, Burnie, Ted, Carly or any of the others get elected, too.

Oh, shit. We DO have reasons to fear. Say it, Pogo: We have met the enemy and he is us.

Peewee IS the GOP!

Rumors abound that Peewee Herman IS the GOP and he’s going to run for President of the United States on the Republican ticket. For Real! All those jerks can’t beat Peewee down.

In this Friday, Oct. 29, 2010 photo, Paul Reubens, in character as Pee-wee Herman, poses on stage after a performance of "The Pee-wee Herman Show" on Broadway in New York. (AP Photo/Charles Sykes)

In this Friday, Oct. 29, 2010 photo, Paul Reubens, in character as Pee-wee Herman, poses on stage after a performance of “The Pee-wee Herman Show” on Broadway in New York. (AP Photo/Charles Sykes)

Compared to the rest of the elephant crew, Peewee stands tall and he stands tor something. Just like the other candidates, we don’t know what he stands for but guaranteed, positively, he stands for something. Peewee CAN lick Hillary and she might even enjoy it. After all, what does Billary have that Peewee doesn’t? In the words of pundit O.J. Simpson, “It took more than twelve jerks to get Peewee off!”

To quote Peewee, “I only have one eye but it’s blind and it sees all…”

Yes, people, 2016 is going to feature some fascinating matchups. Mr. Herman says, “I know it’s going to be hard but you can’t do it when it’s soft! I may not know shit but I know Shinola when I smell it!”